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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Lesson in Genuine History...

For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version: 

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. 
 They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast  and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
 and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals 

2. Conservatives. 

Once beer 
 was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting  around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to their brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
 while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as theConservative movement...

Other men 
 who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's  and doing the sewing,  fetching, and hair dressing.  This was the beginning of the Liberal movement

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. 
 Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,  the invention of group therapy, group hugs,  and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat  and beer  that conservatives   provided. 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. 
 Liberals are symbolized by the jackass  for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine 
 or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish  
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard 
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levelsthan their men.  Most social workers,  personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers  
in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, 
 mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat  and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,  lumberjacks, construction workers,  firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
  and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history! 

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute  truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true  believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self... I'm going to have another beer.

ht: Duane Buckley, Pedro A. Rubio


Bob Belvedere said...

I can't see any of the pictures on my home PC which has no filtering.

Anonymous said...

Bob B, it is the creative genius of the proprietor of this fine site, Mr. Richard McEnroe, that allows the viewer to use their imagination. Do you think he should apply for a NEA grant?

Deborah Leigh

richard mcenroe said...

I'm puzzled. They come up fine here.

Merilyn said...

No Richard, the pictures don't come up on my computer either, but I loved the history lesson.

richard mcenroe said...

Well,crap on a crutch. They're just little animated clipart gif's and I feel my ex-democrat genes kicking in, as in, I'm too damn lazy to reload them. Glad you liked the lesson tho.

Michael Lonie said...

I found a few erors in it and would not recommend it as supplementary material for a graduate level class in history. Corrected, it would be useful in a lower division class. Certainly, it is superior to Howard Zinn's textbooks.

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