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Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Mainstream Conservative Pundit Dares the Heart of Gun-Owning Darkness

A special guest editorial by Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainstream Conservative Pundit

Acting in accordance with yet another Brooks family motto, "manibus vacuis, et ad imbecillum spinam," ("empty hands and a weak spine")* mainstream conservative pundit Frumley Brooks sets forth into the dark conservative heart of redstate California.

*Honestly, old boy, your family line seems to have more cadets than the Citadel. — TBL

This past Saturday, February 23rd, (or '.223' as they are inexplicably euphemizing it) was declared by the "commontariat" to be a National Day of Resistance to our Esteemed President Obama and his far-sighted and reasonable proposals that the American people should put their trust in the wise management of the public safety and order in the hands of a man who has so clearly shown his mettle in the management of the public fisc.

In order to demonstrate his "rad street cred" as the young people would express
it, on this issue, the author offers up this photographic representation of himself
exercising the lawful and appropriate use of arms with a firearm sufficient to any 
individual's lawful pursuits: an exercise his family has pursued ever since the 
first Brooks was transported emigrated to the vigorous "New World."


Donning attire appropriate to his assessment of the event, your correspondent ventured forth into the rustic confines of Bakersfield, California, where a firm named Bear Mountain Sporting Goods, devoted to the retailing of numerous implements available in any color as long as you wanted them in scary black, had organized the First Kern County Day of Resistance, although to your correspondent's perception it seemed the only thing Bakersfield was resisting was the shoveling-up of excess fertilizer. (Seriously, people, we do appreciate the vegetables, but the ungodly pong...)
 
An earnest young lady manning the gate with clipboard and tally sheet informed your correspondent that some 1400 people had already arrived.  Unconfirmed reports later in the day would put the crowd as high as 2000, as parking overflowed the local streets, supervised by local Sheriff's Deputies and the California Highway Patrol (one loves the boots, you know, simply dashing).
 
Two gentlemen in black suits with name tags and earpieces circulated, largely ignored but objecting to being photographed, through the largely Caucasian and Hispanic crowd, which remained cheerful and in good order as they were harangued by Republican politicians from Sacramento (apparently there still are some), conservative activists and a gentleman from Cuba who claimed to see the same political tactics and practices his family fled there taking place here. (My good fellow: simply because one sees the same practices being employed, to the same ends, with the same result, is no good reason to assume any commonality of intent, as any graduate of a decent Ivy League humanities program can explain to you at length).


An earnest gentleman of substantial girth and excessive hair explained to a local newswoman that the Second Amendment was a civil right every bit as valid and important as those granted by the First, Fourth, and Fifth.  Inexplicably he neglected the Third, which provides a valuable opportunity for our Esteemed President Obama to further advance his dynamic social experiments.  Elsewhere, other individuals offered suggestion for the managing the intractable problem of gun violence.

In addition there were musical stylings by what your correspondent was assured is a very good country band, that brought back noisome remembrances of similar encounters with a Mr. Charles Daniel and one Leonard Skinner, who could not even spell the name of his band properly, at Mr. Sean Hannity's "Freedom Concerts".

But the most amazing spectacle of the day was watching firearms being simply given away, raffled off, including some rather alarming black rifles and shotguns.  In spite of Our Esteemed President Obama's earnest efforts to reduce crime by making firearms too expensive to afford, your correspondent witnessed one such rifle being sold for over thirty-two hundred dollars, which must have put the price of these deadly prizes in five figures.  Indeed, many people there seemed determined to make their most of a day at this event.
These are, we are assured both rarer than hen's teeth and more
precious than rubies, and the gentlemen who obtained two boxes
of them seemed to think he had had a good day.

One only hopes their satisfaction at their successful assembly comforts them as it inspires Our Esteemed President Obama to redouble his efforts to bring this nation to heel gether under one boot benevolent hand.

Note: Several typographical errors in this manuscript have been deliberately preserved, to present the reader with a sense of how hard it is to be a mainstream conservative pundit these days.  You can almost feel sorry for them. — TBL


Frumley Brooks amends:  It has been brought to my attention that certain other gentlemen (and women) of the broadcast "press" also attended this event.  The gentle reader will forgive me my lapse; it is not, after all as though they were from PBS...














3 comments:

Bob Belvedere said...

Damn good.

RebeccaH said...

Wish I'd been there.

Maggie@MaggiesNotebook said...

Great visual. God Bless Bakersfield and all those who ventured their from the Blue coast.

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