A Modest Propsal for a New Century!

 A Mainstream Conservative Pundit Offers 

a Daring Vision of the Future Torn 
from Yesterday's Headlines...

A special guest editorial by Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainstream Conservative Pundit

Acting in accordance with yet another Brooks family motto, "Da pro omnibus bonis volunt et damnare" ("Give everyone what they want and damn what's good for them")* mainstream conservative pundit Frumley Brooks sets forth a daring plan for those who plan daringly...
*Really, Frummers, it boggles the mind that you've escaped public office all these years. — TBL

"Gentleman, we must give over the dated and inhumane

practice of eating Irish babies and bravely embrace the 

exciting mode of a new age!" — Praiseworthy Brooks, Esq., 

House of Lords, 1731

While it is of course unthinkable that any principled, ethical journalist would stoop to attempt legislation or 'social engineering' from the soapbox so graciously provided by his no doubt fair-minded and impartial employers, there are occasions where the cooler head, discerning eye and distanced perspective of the professional correspondent can make a more material contribution to the contest of ideas.

No impartial observer of the times could fail to agree that the defining issues of the day, setting aside petty concerns of national economics and the tiresome escalation of global strife, are the tragic and ongoing slaughter of lusty young men of color in our more turbulent urban concentrations, and the inexplicable upsurge of unauthorized immigration into our fair nation, in spite of our media's most determined efforts to present Lady Liberty as a materialistic bourgeois obsessed with wealth and crass consumer indulgence.

How these matters could suddenly have come to a crisis is a puzzle for the ages, as the Democrats who manage so many of our cities have never addressed any material attention to the meteoric rise of black on black violence, while the Republicans who profess nominal concern for our national affairs have seen nothing to the negative in the healthy competition of millions of eager foreigners willing to contest for jobs with our native lumpen proletariat at any price or any wage.  Nonetheless, here the matters raced, and here it falls to your humble correspondent to address them.

The Democrats seem incapable of addressing the rise of black on black violence on their watch, nor the vigorous expansion of Planned Parenthood clinics into what they so colorfully call "The Hood."  One would expect they would be concerned by this steady diminution of such a significant part of their electoral base, but such would not seem to be the case.  Indeed, the more rapidly the young population of their Negro vote diminishes, the more enthusiastically they seem to pursue the legitimization of ever more legal and docile Hispanics, a sure coincidence that would be regarded as sinister by only the most uncharitable of minds.

Meanwhile the Republicans, heroically resisting the strident demands of their antediluvian base (oh, base indeed!) are locked in bitter struggle, not so much as to whether to deny the eager hidalgo admittance but how many and over what period said admittance can be permitted.

And thus, it falls upon me to suggest that one of these problems can easily resolve the other:

Let us to that end admit the bronzed Aztec, but only in direct proportion to the decrease of the Negro population of America.  At one stroke, we solve the problems of both parties!  The Democrats receive a stable voting base while not suffering the electoral shortfalls of the extinguished Africans, a goal they have sought politically since 1865 and intellectually since the heyday of Marx and Margaret Sanger.  For every young black man untimely reaped —

or woman of color solicitously attended by a parenthood planner—

—admit one  son or daughter of Moctezuma.

"I did say one...!"

This provides the Democrats with a gradual, almost unnoticeable transition from a voter base that has been largely a financial and social loss for them to a voter base long used to pliancy at the hands of an elected elite. At the same time the Republicans reap the benefits of a more gradual escalation of the Democrat voter base less immediately likely to trouble them in their golden years of senior Congressional tenure.  So our gallant McCains, McConnells, Boehners and Cantors may enjoy the demographical twilight of their political influence in comfort.

That such a straightforward plan has been overlooked by our elected superiors is plain evidence of the gridlock being imposed upon our benevolent government by pettifogging concerns over obscure civil rights and arcane "Constitutional" niceties. It is time for dramatic action to take this great nation in the direction it was always meant to go—TIJUANA OR THE BUSH!

A Mainstream Conservative Pundit Dares the Heart of Gun-Owning Darkness

A special guest editorial by Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainstream Conservative Pundit

Acting in accordance with yet another Brooks family motto, "manibus vacuis, et ad imbecillum spinam," ("empty hands and a weak spine")* mainstream conservative pundit Frumley Brooks sets forth into the dark conservative heart of redstate California.

*Honestly, old boy, your family line seems to have more cadets than the Citadel. — TBL

This past Saturday, February 23rd, (or '.223' as they are inexplicably euphemizing it) was declared by the "commontariat" to be a National Day of Resistance to our Esteemed President Obama and his far-sighted and reasonable proposals that the American people should put their trust in the wise management of the public safety and order in the hands of a man who has so clearly shown his mettle in the management of the public fisc.

In order to demonstrate his "rad street cred" as the young people would express

it, on this issue, the author offers up this photographic representation of himself

exercising the lawful and appropriate use of arms with a firearm sufficient to any 

individual's lawful pursuits: an exercise his family has pursued ever since the 

first Brooks was transported emigrated to the vigorous "New World."

Donning attire appropriate to his assessment of the event, your correspondent ventured forth into the rustic confines of Bakersfield, California, where a firm named Bear Mountain Sporting Goods, devoted to the retailing of numerous implements available in any color as long as you wanted them in scary black, had organized the First Kern County Day of Resistance, although to your correspondent's perception it seemed the only thing Bakersfield was resisting was the shoveling-up of excess fertilizer. (Seriously, people, we do appreciate the vegetables, but the ungodly pong...)
 
An earnest young lady manning the gate with clipboard and tally sheet informed your correspondent that some 1400 people had already arrived.  Unconfirmed reports later in the day would put the crowd as high as 2000, as parking overflowed the local streets, supervised by local Sheriff's Deputies and the California Highway Patrol (one loves the boots, you know, simply dashing).
 
Two gentlemen in black suits with name tags and earpieces circulated, largely ignored but objecting to being photographed, through the largely Caucasian and Hispanic crowd, which remained cheerful and in good order as they were harangued by Republican politicians from Sacramento (apparently there still are some), conservative activists and a gentleman from Cuba who claimed to see the same political tactics and practices his family fled there taking place here. (My good fellow: simply because one sees the same practices being employed, to the same ends, with the same result, is no good reason to assume any commonality of intent, as any graduate of a decent Ivy League humanities program can explain to you at length).


An earnest gentleman of substantial girth and excessive hair explained to a local newswoman that the Second Amendment was a civil right every bit as valid and important as those granted by the First, Fourth, and Fifth.  Inexplicably he neglected the Third, which provides a valuable opportunity for our Esteemed President Obama to further advance his dynamic social experiments.  Elsewhere, other individuals offered suggestion for the managing the intractable problem of gun violence.

In addition there were musical stylings by what your correspondent was assured is a very good country band, that brought back noisome remembrances of similar encounters with a Mr. Charles Daniel and one Leonard Skinner, who could not even spell the name of his band properly, at Mr. Sean Hannity's "Freedom Concerts".

But the most amazing spectacle of the day was watching firearms being simply given away, raffled off, including some rather alarming black rifles and shotguns.  In spite of Our Esteemed President Obama's earnest efforts to reduce crime by making firearms too expensive to afford, your correspondent witnessed one such rifle being sold for over thirty-two hundred dollars, which must have put the price of these deadly prizes in five figures.  Indeed, many people there seemed determined to make their most of a day at this event.

These are, we are assured both rarer than hen's teeth and more

precious than rubies, and the gentlemen who obtained two boxes

of them seemed to think he had had a good day.

One only hopes their satisfaction at their successful assembly comforts them as it inspires Our Esteemed President Obama to redouble his efforts to bring this nation to heel gether under one boot benevolent hand.

Note: Several typographical errors in this manuscript have been deliberately preserved, to present the reader with a sense of how hard it is to be a mainstream conservative pundit these days.  You can almost feel sorry for them. — TBL

Frumley Brooks amends:  It has been brought to my attention that certain other gentlemen (and women) of the broadcast "press" also attended this event.  The gentle reader will forgive me my lapse; it is not, after all as though they were from PBS...

NOW! LEAKED CPAC Videos! See for yourself! (A Frumley Brooks, Esq., Exclusive from TBL)

Exclusive to Three Beers Later

from Frumley Brooks,

Mainstream Conservative Pundit

Now, one would never reveal a source, so it would certainly be beyond all professional reason to admit who sent Three Beers Later these videos after they might hypothetically have been browbeaten out of posting them by Tabitha Hale. On the other hand, here they are, and someone somewhere owes this blog a favor for certain Rick Santorum videos....

You've probably heard the story by now, about how Eric Erickson of Redstate and Melissa Clouthier  posted some complaints about the scandalous clothing and indecorous conduct of certain attendees at CPAC, Stacy McCain noticed it and a huge kerfuffle, er, kerfuffled. The truth is, Stacy let everybody concerned off easy.  The facts are far, far worse than can be easily imagined by anyone with the slightest respect for the dignity and maturity of the conservative movement in America, as I'm afraid, these clips will attest, literally from the opening day and the arrival of the first dogmatic degenerates in the lobby:


Scandals at CPAC by richardmcenroe


Disgusting Public Exhibitionism at CPAC by richardmcenroe

The situation got badly out of hand, so utterly libertine and shameless, it even began to infect the formerly-professional hotel staff, as revealed in this security camera footage from Spanish-language news programming...


CPAC ruins Hotel Staff by richardmcenroe

But shameful and humiliating as it was, and what had taken place so far was reason enough and more for any good conservative to hang their head in shame, it was as nothing next to the actual scheduled event, the highlight of CPAC, which took place behind closed doors Saturday night...


Behind the Locked Doors of CPAC by richardmcenroe

Our institutional embarrassment was compounded by the presence of so many of our distinguished candidates for higher office at the conference.  One could only hope they were not exposed to the worst of these excesses; one can only pray that they would not let this scurrilous conduct warp their opinion of...

Excuse me?  Speaker Gingrich did what? With whom? Whom? And Whom? Oh, Dear God...

Bloomberg GOP Debate Displays Weak GOP Commentariat Field... Twitter and blogging hardest hit

A special guest editorial by Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainstream Conservative Pundit


In keeping with the highest traditions of the Brooks family motto, "Uno dies tardus quod uno denarius brevis" ("a day late and a dollar short") Mr. Brooks decries the latest failings on the part of the American conservative movement.

Last night's debate on the influential and widely popular "BloombergTV" shone a brilliant spotlight, not on the regrettable list of rural extremists trying to impede the campaign of the Presidential candidate and our fondly-remembered classmate Willard Mitt Romney, but on the slapdash and dispiriting performance of our modern-day conservative commentariat.

When discussing Internet political commentary, of course, one must acknowledge that we are forced to deal with two elements: the self-appointed pundits themselves, and their correspondents, or "commenters."

The "commenters" may in large be dismissed out of hand, of no more relevance than those faceless throngs trudging through the factory gates; their guttural yawps infused with no more content and significance than the barkings emanating from the high "bleacher seats" at Wrigley Field on "Dollar Beer Day." (Or so one is informed, certainly never having imposed said "bleachers" on oneself.)  Of a surety one can read an entire "thread" or series of debate comments by them and come away without the slightest idea of what was actually said by the debaters.

The pundits themselves are another matter.  While it is a priori regrettable that they have arrogated this position to themselves without the years of prior vetting and conditioning at the proper schools and publications to which the rest of us have had the upbringing and associations to submit ourselves, their performance during the BloombergTV event was particularly lackluster.

Given that far too many of the hoi polloi have far too little judgment to select "BloombergTV" for their cable assortments over the likes of "ESPN," "Spike" or (one shudders to think) "Fox," one would hope these pundits would make a particular effort to provide some detailed exposition of the actual goings-on that transpired at the debate: to lay at least a token pearl or two before their swinish audiences. Alas, it was not so.  

With the token noteworthy exceptions of one or two bloggers with at least nominal proper journalistic experience such as Michelle Malkin and Robert Stacy McCain, the online punditry wallowed in its subjective incontinence.  Even those who arranged special commentary feeds for the event were too often reduced to subjective banalities such as "so and so looked uncertain" and "that could have been clearer" with no further elaboration, even had such been comprehensible to their notional audience.

Far more attention was paid to the pundit's approval or disapproval of specific candidates, in a narrative stream seemingly scripted specifically to discourage the electorate from any of the choices on view.  The performance of these pundits offered abundant grist for the mills of any canny Democratic operative in the forthcoming elections, a litany of despair and pettifogging criticism that could drown any lesser man than Governor Romney, and may well have.  Even the plucky rustic Ron Paul was subjected to hypocritical mockery  — the equivalent of stopping a film review to specifically complain about the performance of Gabby Hayes — first for speaking out and then for remaining silent, making too big an affair of a tiny little man.

The pundits' lack of experience and perception further showed in their uniform criticism of the hosts, the topics and the specific questions presented in the debate.  Partisan amateurs at heart, they do not see the value of forcing the candidates to address the public in the terms of their opponents' talking points; they do not see the importance of reassuring possible Democratic watchers of the validity of their own points of view, and of demonstrating the GOP's continued commitment to comity and collegiality in the unlikelihood one of them takes office.

Fortunately for the nation, the remaining Republican candidates recognize this, and have been eagerly snapping up the remaining GOP consultants and campaign managers still unemployed, doughty men and women who understand from New York and California and the bloody battlefields of 2006 how a Republican campaign should be run to keep the voters engaged before the Party's own man is nominated.  If the blogging pundits can learn this lesson it should be a rousing show.

"The only proper choice for the right sort of person;

it doesn't bear thinking about..." Frumley Brooks

A Three Beers Later Exclusive Guest Post: Sean Hannity's Freedom Concert — San Diego! Mainstream Conservative Pundits Venture into the Heart of Rightwing Darkness!

Mainstream Conservative Pundits Frumley Brooks, David Fume and Mainsteam Conservative Doyenne P.K. "Pug" Noonan bravely and nobly abandoned the civilized comforts of the Boswash Corridor for this harrowing excursion into the depths of reactionary American thought.


TBL has refrained from crediting direct quotes to any of them in this publication, because really, who can tell them apart anymore anyway?


The disappointing crowd barely overflowed the San Diego Sports Arena.  Authoritative sources at the Associated Press and New York Times put the attendance at somwhere between 1800 and 2000, describing photos of the attendees as 'misleading' and 'deceptive.'

As at previous events, a rustic gentleman familiarly addressed as 'Charlie' made several attempts upon a 'fiddle' and other stringed instruments while championing social concepts tragically inappropriate to 21st century conservatism such as property rights and punishment for criminals.  He even showed a regrettable lack of acceptance for the sexually-differentiated with a blistering attack on pedophiles, a position sadly out of step with the more nuanced posture at present adopted by this Administration's Department of Education.

Nevertheless he did so with such brio that at some point in the proceedings (I believe it was during "The Legend of Wooley Swamp") our colleague Pug was obliged to retire to the ladies' lounge and compose herself — twice.

In a further surprise after last year's concert, the hat really does come off.

In  spite of his young son's gallant attempt to put an end to these reactionary proceedings by breaking several of his father's ribs beforehand in a carefully-staged "play accident," Fox News "personality" Sean Hannity took the stage at several points in the proceedings, promising his gullible audience a landslide victory in the November midterms (a position held by no one who is anyone in DC or NYC, might I add), and  that the Ground Zero Peace, Friendship and Understanding Mosque would never be built.  He also made mention of the inconsequential fact that his foundation that sponsors these "concerts" had raised over fifteen million dollars to send the children of fallen servicemen and women to college.

The show then continued with "Christian artist" Michael W. Smith offering several musical pieces ostensibly extolling faith and patriotism, oddly without once mentioning the Episcopalian church's heroic embrace of brave, family-abandoning gay bishops or the Reverend Phelps' principled stand for faith and the First Amendment at military funerals, so we really must question his sincerity...

After that there were several speakers, including Hollywood personality Jon Voight, that same Colonel Oliver North who so embarrassed Congress, and numerous Gold Star families and recipients of some of Sean Hannity's scholarship largess.  Oddly, none of them seemed to be pursuing ethnic studies, political science or the arts degrees so essential to success in civilized company.

At this point, the wheels came off the event entirely.  A mister Leonard Skinner, if we heard the name correctly brought his "band" on for a "set"... in the course of which he launched a reprehensible attack on the fine singer Neil Young and agitated dangerously for religious practice and firearms ownership, while presenting an alarming audio-visual work of imagery calculated to lure the weak-willed into debauchery and perhaps even drug abuse.  The crowd was obviously worked up to the very edge of an outburst.

Then, to goad the mob on into a veritable frenzy, "Charlie" returned to the stage to "jam" with Leonard.  The atmosphere within the arena was so fraught with the prospect of unbridled license that our colleague Frumley was obliged to retire to the gentleman's lounge and very nearly compose himself. We will spare the reader the intensity of any further description on our part and simply present some smuggled video of the onstage bacchanalia:




Honestly, how these people expect themselves to be capable of governance escapes us entirely...

Nazis, Mobsters Conspire to Foment Disorder...

A dispatch from Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainstream Conservative Pundit:

"To my surprise, it turned out it simply to be some sort of musical event... a Freedom Concert Tour... Nevertheless, there was ample evidence on display of the waning of primitive conservative thought in this great moderate nation of ours...

"The dwindling acceptance of conservative values by the American public was reflected in this meagre line of attendees for "radio personality" Marc Levin (who insists on mispronouncing his own last name,a singular affectation of the lower sorts) signing his Liberty and Tyranny, now sliding into its deserved obscurity after a scant five months on the New York Times Bestseller List... the line barely stretched around the facility...

"...while the 12,000 seat Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre, formerly the Coors Amphitheatre before sophisticated Americans learned to seek more nuanced beverages, was only barely sold out, with every seat only just filled before showtime...

"As the evening wore on into a twilight evocative of the fading of the brand of reactionary thought being scorned by all the right people on both coasts, the gullible audience was subjected to harangues by the aforementioned Mr. Levin, Colonel Oliver North, whose lack of martial credentials is clearly reflected in the CNN's failure to hire him as a commentator, another "personality" named Sean Hannity, who apparently has something to do with the presentation of these events, a "celebrity" trollop named Carrie Prejean, who seems most famous for not knowing when it is unacceptable to talk back to her betters, and various wounded veterans for whom the audience expressed an inexplicable sympathy in spite of their drain on the public exchequer as a result of their own un fortunate career choices...

"There were also various musical interludes. A rural gentleman familiarly addressed as "Charley" made several attempts upon a "fiddle" and guitar...

"...while other performers said to include a Michael W. Smith, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Lee Greenwood were charitably received by the unlettered audience...

"The continuing existence of these events is only to be regretted by the informed conservative, as they only serve to continue to refute their attendees' deserved sense of isolation and reinforce the dated values to which they cling. The only thing to be said in its favor was the continued absence of Sarah Palin...

"Perhaps Mr. Obama might well take some time off from his inspiring medical ruminations to consider taking some action towards them."

Frumley Brooks, Esq., as he appeared moments before

the head injury that led him to embrace

moderate conservatism...

Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainsteam Conservative Pundit, Inveigles Against Offend-a-Feminist Week

In accordiance with the Brooks family motto since time immemorial, "Uno dies tardus quod uno denarius brevis" ("a day late and a dollar short") Mr. Brooks laments the latest insensitivity on the part of the American conservative movement:

"Rightwing blogger Robert Stacey McCain, a Washington functionary who has made a promising career of being mistaken for a distinguished Republican Senator, has taken the next sorry, inevitable step in the ruination of the conservative movement with his deliberate and deliberately offensive eponymous campaign to alienate middle-of-the-road women.

"Plainly, the mainstream women of America have made their choice, and it is incumbent upon us to adapt to it if the conservative movement is to survive.  We need to understand exactly where we are going wrong if we as conservatives continue to prefer this:

to this:

"Until we understand the message of empowerment and fulfilment women are sending us with this choice, we will suffer for it at the ballot box.

"We need to understand why women given a choice between  portraits of female accomplishment and achievement, reject this:

...in favor of this:
"We need to understand the important cultural message we are being sent when the middle-of-the-road majority applauds the free speech of a modern progressive woman:

...and rejects the firebrand rantings of an old-school reactionary who has the temerity to answer an unrehearsed question in public:

"Until we understand and embrace the demands the middle-of-the-road is placing upon us, until we learn to make room for their newer and sophisticated standards, I fear they will never let us join them."