Dear Stacy McCain,
As the primary season wends onward, I wish you the best of luck in your
quest for the ambassadorship to Vanuatu in the sunny South Pacific, from whatever candidate you ultimately decide was the best-one-all along-no-really-this-time-it's-love...
But prior planning prevents piss poor performance, as someone forgot to tell Herman and Newt, so allow me to suggest that it's time you start planning ahead in terms of your embassy staff.
Now of course you'll have the dauntless USMC detachment tasked with the actual protection of the embassy, but you're going to need a larger protective staff than that, a Legation Constabulary, if you will, that can be tasked with more flexible missions concerning the interests of US citizens and corporate interests in Vanuatu.
To that end, I would like to offer my services in the formation and command of this organization. I have prior service with a military unit with a notable record in this field, the 1/71 INF NYARNG, formerly the 71st Volunteer Infantry, who made an immortal name for themselves in Cuba during the Spanish-American War and in particular the epic charge at San Juan Juan Hill:
This proud tradition can be put to good use in your service as you maintain American interests in Vanuatu, particularly as pertain to those business partners you are at present in discussion with, such as Dole and the United Fruit Company...
This experience and service will stand me and my subordinates in good stead both in
maintaining your safety and more sophisticated civil affairs contacts with the general populace...
Of course, we must not lose sight of the fact that Vanuatu is an island chain,
so you will need to maintainsubstantial nautical assets for that aspect of your de facto rule ambassadorship.
And I'm sure we both know just the man to manage them.
I'm sure I don't need to sing Smitty's praises to you...
but I don't think you're fully aware of his distinguished sea service in this particular field,
or the crack ships he's served upon:
The USS Kahtadin, the last torpedo ram built by any naval power,
twenty years in the construction, that's how good it was!
The USS Terror, a monitor of such puissance that it
reminded eyewitnesses of the Civil War just thirty years before!
And of course the USS Panay, a ship of such distinguished service
on the Yangtze that the Japanese insisted we leave it there as a memorial...
So don't worry, Stacy! Between us Smitty and I can make your Ambassadorial term both the diplomatic triumph and the life-enriching experience you always hoped it would be!
Call me!
